In the middle of my busy days

So it's the night before Thanksgiving day (that sounds strange...Oh well), and I've decided to make a brief (hopefully it'll be brief) list of the things I am thankful for. I always tell myself I should do this every year, but then I forget and later decide it doesn't matter.
But I came to realize that it in fact does matter, and that I shouldn't undermine how important it is to stop in the middle of my busy days and think about the things I may have ignored for awhile, the things that I should have been embracing.
The list has really random things, but I guess they're all the little things I appreciate...So here it goes, the list of things I am (and have been) thankful for:

1) My family
2) My friends-my school friends, especially those who I became friends with in middle school..And my outside-of-school (aka Iranian) friends who I've known pretty much forever
3) My house
4) My clothes
5) The many CDs and music I have
6) the Internet
7) the library
8) Starbucks
9) Chocolate
10) The fact that my sister is one of the few people in the world who can make me laugh and make me 10 times happier (sorry for being so gushy Mrs Madison :) )
11) GLAMOUR magazine...it's like my Bible :)
12) The fact that my aunt and uncle are so much fun to be around and they make me feel like life isn't all about working, it's more about having a good time and being around people you love.
13)Being at a school where everyone knows you and vise versa, and where the teachers actually care about you and where you're going in life.
14) Movies...the ultimate form of art
15) Art, and the fact that I can express myself through it
16) My grandpa, who I believe inspired me to be thankful for #15
17) My mom's incredible strength and persistence to give the best of everything, I can never understand how she does it.
18) My dad's love and sympathy.
19) My earrings
20) The opportunity to take French at school; without that I wouldn't have discovered my undying love for the french language hehe
21) Forever 21 store
22) Anthropologie store
23) Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream
24) living in the pacific northwest..I love the unpredictable (usually rainy) weather and everything else about it!
25) The people who've brought even more love and humor to the family, "Sheri" and "Shawn" (I'm afraid to use their actual names for security reasons haha)
26) The fact that we have a Christmas tree, ornaments, candy canes, Christmas movies, hot chocolate with marshmellos, and many of those small things every person dreams of having during Christmas season.
27) My new Converse shoes
28) Tea, the best kind of drink known to Man
29)Thermoses, because they make you feel cozy when you walk outside in the cold weather
30) The memories of my childhood
31) Books
32) Peppermint bark (I guess this one fits more into number 26)
33) Photos, because they ease the anxiety I have sometimes that I may forget the memories I cherish the most
34) The opportunity I had to stay with my aunt for two weeks by myself two summers ago :)
35) My senior class sweatpants and sweater
36) My school nickname "Bean"...and my Iranian nicknames
37) Scarves
38) The fact that our family cars can heat up when we're driving home late at night from a party and we feel like we're going to die from the freezing cold~!

And there' s my list...so far :)

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!


<3

Move back

So I'm sitting at my desk with miles of thoughts running and cramming in my head; I keep trying to relax by playing music I like or having chai (not chai tea, but actual Iranian chai ;) )...But I still find myself feeling tense in the shoulders and neck...And I have a terrible headache. :(

I think it's because a lot of abnormal things have happened to me this week and I've found them overwhelming, just because of how foreign they are. My dad came back from his business trip after a month, and he has a beard--which he NEVER had (from what I can remember); I started listening to Christmas music; conversations I've had with certain people have come up in my mind because of how worried I am about them or because just in general how I feel about them; And many other things, but those are the big ones that have happened this week.

I just want everything to go back to normal. I want my sister to come back from college and never leave home. I want to have spent more time with my Iranian friends (or the "Persian gang," as Mrs. Madison referred one time hehe) like we used to during those "mehmoonees" we don't have as often anymore. I even sometimes want to go back to being the extremely shy person I was, because that part of my life feels like my comfort zone, something familiar that I could hold on to. I want my dad to stop going on those business trips that make me worry sick about the family and myself (and my dad, of course). I want my parents to look at each other the way they used to when I was younger, when we lived at our Kent house. I sometimes want to move back to that house and see my old friends again. I want to delete all the college applications and ask myself why I was doing them, it's way too soon. I want my brother to be the adorable, innocent child he was at one time in his life (but then again he's in that "phase," except that "phase" has lasted for at least a few years..).

I want many things, and most of them probably won't happen because they're just part of change, and change can't be prevented.

I thought writing a blog would help me relieve the stress I've been having today/this week, but I think it's actually made it worse.

P.S. I'm sorry this is such a depressing blog :(
I hope it didn't totally ruin your mood/day or anything

The theme

This has pretty much been the theme of this week for me :) :

Don't Stop Believin' by Journey

Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit
He took the midnight train goin anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin anything to roll the dice,
Just one more timeSome will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Dont stop believin
Hold on to the feelin
Streetlight people

Problem--no, ADDICTION

I have many additions.
The list starts with chocolate, candy and other sweets; television; checking my e-mail (which I do literally five times per day...I know, it's that bad); Christmas; watching the same movies over and over again; and the list stretches on for miles. These don't seem so bad, because they're just things that people can normally get hung up on. They're completely innocent, as long as they don't "out-balance" the other parts of your life.
But the worst addiction I have is...well, I guess I shouldn't call it an addition, it's more of a serious problem..My biggest problem is that I get so distracted from doing homework when I'm at my desk (or anywhere for that matter), that sometimes I end up not doing homework at all- even after spending three hours in my room with textbooks open and papers lying all over the place.
I should/want to blame it all on my computer, since it always sits at my desk with me...so it's very easy to get off track of my homework as I randomly decide to check my e-mail and Facebook accounts. Every time I surf the web, I tell myself that I'll get back to work in five minutes...But I always end up looking at the clock with having had half an hour or even two hours pass by!
This serious problem can probably be considered as an addiction, now that I think about it, because for months I've kept promising myself that I wouldn't touch the mouse or keyboard anymore when I sit at my desk, or telling myself that I won't do anything on the computer until I've finished my homework...But these have never been able to conquer the temptation that lets me drop everything and jump to the easy route of avoiding the work.

I don't know what to do besides to just keep on trying to resist the problem-no, addition...?

"Breathe"

"Breathe" by Michelle Branch

I've been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I've been driving you crazy, and its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment in saying things we never meant to say
And I, take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll seeEverything is alright
If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real
And I, give you just a little time
I, wonder if you realize
I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Breathe

So I whisper in the dark,
Hoping you hear me
Do you hear me?

If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe,
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright

Everything is alright if i just breathe...breathe
I've been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain

Jobs and Mr. Darcys

I always wonder what's going to happen to me for the rest of my life. People are always talking about college/classes/jobs/relationships and many other things that I don't have right now but will experience in the future. I'm always eager for time to fast forward until I'm in college, or until I meet "the one," or until I land myself in my dream career...So there are times when I get so frustrated as I sit in one of my classes at school just waiting to graduate from high school (but it's not that I hate school...I actually love it :) ).
I also feel this way when I'm watching movies. Almost every movie coats a realistic story with something everyone wants to see, or with what everyone wishes would happen in their lives. In one of the last scenes of Pride and Prejudice (my favorite movie of all time! hehe), we watch Mr. Darcy make his way to Elizabeth and confess that he still passionately loves her, despite all the accusations and arguments they had made in all the time since they met. Everyone wants this and many other love stories to happen to them, and we always want the assurance that someone will love us no matter what we do; people need to know that there's at least one person in the world who will always care for them and never turn back on them...But sometimes this dream seems out of reach and feels like just a plain fantasy, because it may become apparent that whatever happens in the movies is only make-believe.
Is there really such thing as "the one"? Is there only one person you should be with in your life? I always have conflicting answers to these questions...I think that a person may find love and happiness in more than just one person in his/her life, but then I believe there is only one type of person they belong to. That probably sounds pretty obvious though, but I think that's a realistic way to think of it. I admit I'm one of those sappy people who want romance in their lives, but I'm afraid I'll be disappointed later on if I think there is only one person for me, so I'd rather not think of it in the imaginative (I hope that's a real word..) sense.
When it comes to work/jobs, I get so excited that I almost completely ignore someone when they tell me I should enjoy being in high school while I'm in it. I know I'm probably going to miss high school once I've graduated and have entered college, but at the same time I can't wait to get into the lifestyle where I can wake up every morning and be happy to go wherever I'll be working (unless I choose a job I don't really enjoy or something, but I'm going to try and not let that happen).
I really hope that I won't be fooled into thinking whatever love story or any story I see in the movies will actually happen; if I found out that those things were actually almost impossible in reality, I don't know if I would have any ounce of hope left for that kind of fantasy (or maybe it's not a fantasy, one may never know) life I (and probably many other people) have always wanted.

Business trip

A week has passed since he left for his business trip, but it feels like many months that seem to slowly stretch into years.
Every time I hear the closing of the door and the sound of footsteps coming from downstairs, I'm always fooled the first second thinking it's him, when it really isn't.
I didn't think I'd miss my dad this much. It's probably because of the last conversation we had before he left.
It was the closest the two of us had ever gotten to completely understanding each other. And what we talked about was something that we always mentioned indirectly every now and then, but always avoided because one of us feared hurting the other person too much. But we actually talked about it and I think after that it made us both feel like a huge burden was lifted from our shoulders (at least that's what it felt like for me).
This is the first time (from what I can remember) that I miss my dad while he's been away.

"Dream On"

Right now I'm listening to "Fly Me to the Moon" by the amazing (yes, amazing...actually now that I think about it, "amazing" would be an understatement of what I think of this person) Frank Sinatra :D ...who I think exhibits the most amazing singing voice known to Man. Supposedly I'm listening to this song not only for my simple enjoyment, but also as a way to hopefully calm me down enough for the SAT which I'm taking (or should I say re-taking) tomorrow morning...
People say you're not supposed to spend the night before the test studying or preparing at all, but instead to relax and enjoy yourself--which is hard for me to do because I usually spend late nights getting ready for almost all tests at school! But after spending almost three hours watching episodes of Privileged (which I'm liking more and more after every minute of watching it hehe) in front of my computer instead of reviewing the reading section of the SAT prep book, I decided to relax and close the book. :)
So now I'm following orders--I'm relaxing and doing something of my enjoyment, which is listening to music and writing, hence this blog ;) ...Except now I realize that the type of music I listen to depends, because right now my playlist is playing "Dream On" by Aerosmith and now I'm not as relaxed as I should be...Not that I think it's a bad song, it's just it makes me think too much at a time that I shouldn't be thinking at all.
Anyways, I didn't think I'd be so happy for the weekend to come once again, but it turns out that I am. And I hadn't realized it, partially because I spent pretty much all of today enjoying myself and being distracted from the time running by. Today I ate a delicious chocolate cake that ressembled a giant oreo (minus the second chocolate cookie-half...) with a friend at school; it was part of our "social experiment" (which is what we named it as our excuse to eat most of the cake without sharing it too much haha), which was a worthwhile experiment indeed because not only was the cake delicious (okay I will try to not get too much into food because I already did that for you in my first blog ;) ) but it made my school day 10 times more fun and enjoyable as my friend and I roamed the nearly-empty school hallway and shared our moments with random teachers and with other people we enjoy being around. I enjoy being around many people, but I think the cake (despite its ginormous size) might have been too small for us to give slices too all those people!
What if I bomb the SAT? Even if I spent most of my summer days making at least 100 vocab flashcards and sitting on the balcony reading every word of the SAT prep book, what if my second time taking the test gives me the same score as before--or even worse, a lower score?? I did take two practice tests recently, and I scored lower than I did on the actual SAT (the first time I took it) both of those times.
But that's not what I should be thinking about; I should think about how hard I'm going to try tomorrow morning and how determined I will be to get a good score. Usually I ignore the common phrase "I think, therefore I am," but now, just because I'm in a state of desperation, I'm going to repeat that phrase over and over in my head as my sleep, and perhaps even as I get dropped of at the test taking center...

Well, Here It Goes, wish me luck!

Bean out.

Song I'm thinking about...

I don't know why, but this is one of those songs where I think more about the lyrics than the music (which rarely happens for me when I listen to songs, I must admit that hehe). I guess it's because the theme's very real and honest, which is what makes a good song in my opinion..

Lyrics to Realize by Colbie Caillat
V1: Take time to realize, That your warmth is crashing down on in. Take time to realize, that I am on your side. Didn't I, didn't I tell you. But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple, no I cant spell it out for you
C: If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for each other and will never find another. Just realized what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.
V2: Take time to realize, Oh-oh I'm on your side, didn't I, didn't I tell you. Take time to realize, this all can pass you by, didn't I tell you. But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple, no I can't spell it out for you.
C: If you just realized what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for each other then we'd never find another. Just realized what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.
V3: It's not always the same, no, it's never the same, if you don't feel it too. If you meet me half way, if you would meet me half way, it could be the same for you.
C: If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for each other then we'd never find another. Just realize what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder, Just realize what I just realized, if you just realize what I just realized, OoOoOOo missed out on each other now, missed out on each other now, Realize, realize, realize, realize

COLLEGE: Part 1 ("Ugghhh"), Part 2 ("Yayyy")

Part I: "Ugghhh"
Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do in college and even what to do after that...mostly because Mrs. Madison (I thought it would be fun to give my sister an alias name :P) just started her first year of college, so people are either asking me multiple questions about what I think about that, or about where/when I'm going to college...So basically I'm almost always thinking about college and sometimes even about what people might think if I went into a certain college.
But still I'm really excited about college (I can't believe how many times I've used the word "college" and it's only after the first paragraph!), because of the whole independence-and-more-freedom thing that goes along with it. I will no longer have to deal with my brother's yelling or with the arguments/tensions that go on in the house; I'll feel somewhat calmer and better away from my family, as horrible as that may sound :S.
But at the same time that I'm extremely eager to leave the house and rush into any dorm that's open at UW or Western, I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to survive even a week without seeing my own mom or dad. I start to feel horrible just by the fact that I've thought of leaving them alone. Then I start putting myself in their shoes and think about how hard it must be for them to not only have their first daughter move out, but then me too. This is when I tell myself that I will stay home during college so that I could help my parents cope with Mrs. Madison being gone.
So I have this dilemma occurring almost every time I think about college; I switch from the wanting-to-rush-out-of-the-door-to-get-away-from-my-family feeling to oh-my-gosh-what-if-the-only-outcome-of-that-is-hurting-my-parents consistently. It gets really frustrating, so instead, I think about the major(s) I've thought about focusing on...Now I'm excited :)

Part II: "Yayyy"
I remember the first fantasy that I had of my dream career was becoming a famous pianist who would get lots of money so she could buy a beachhouse that looks exactly like the one in the movie Something's Gotta Give (one of my favorite movies ever, even if it's about old people romance!) for her mom...But that was 6 years ago (except the beachhouse plan is still under consideration).
Since last year, I've been volunteering at an art museum close to my house (I'm not sure if it's safe to say the museum's actual name...so I won't; but if you want to know which museum it is, and I know who you are, you can ask me and I'll probably tell you ;) ); I had gotten to know some of the staff members, who always seemed so relaxed and to be enjoying being where they were whenever I saw them; I also got to see different kinds of art, some of which I was never aware of before, and that gave me a bigger outlook on art in general as well as a bigger appreciation for it. Also, the museum café was almost as enjoyable because some of my favorite things were combined there (art, coffee). :P
Being in that atmosphere everytime I've volunteered there has always made me dread the idea of going back home to do my homework or practice the piano. I always feel relaxed and excited at the same time, which I rarely feel anywhere else. I bet now I sound like I'm in love or something!...I'm in love with a red building filled with bunches of paper with colors on them. hehe
Anyways, that's all how I decided what I want to do after college or what I want to study; I want to be an art museum director "when I grow up." :)
But at the same time, I really want to keep learning/taking French after high school; I've always loved the language and the French culture, so I don't want to give all my learning up by not doing anything with it once I get to college. I've thought of taking French as my second major, which I will probably do. Except I don't know what career I'd get into out of that other than being a translator...Which doesn't sound too bad, I'm just worried I might get tired of it eventually.

What do you think? Have I rushed in this deep relationship with the red building too quickly? Should I still take time to think what I want to do in the future?
..Oh my gosh, this sounds exactly like a romantic comedy movie!

8-month old M&M's...?

I just ate two 8-month old M&M's (I know exactly how old they are because I got them on Christmas Day), and they actually taste alright..except for the fact that they're 8 months old. Why am I telling you this? Because lately I've been thinking about what I consider to be Man's (first) best friend, which is food...You may think that my mentioning of the 8-year old M&M's was pointless because you could think that M&M's shouldn't be considered a food; but I guess since my name translates to "sweet" in Farsi, and since I've had an obsession with sweets pretty much my whole life, I'd like to consider those M&M's a food. :)When I think food, I first think of the movie Ratatouille. In other words, I think about how food can be artistic as well as appetizing; visually pleasing to the eye as well as pleasing to the mouth; and pleasing to the soul as well as pleasing to the body. I have to admit that Ratatouille comes to my mind not only because of how well it portrays this perception of food, but also because I've seen the movie so many times that it just comes into my head without thinking every now and then :P. But still I admire their portrayal of food, which is that it should be embraced by its ability to nourish one's body and spirit at the same time.
But then I start to think about how food can not only be appetizing, but also weight-gain-causing (that doesn't sound right but oh well). It may be so appetizing and fulfilling that one could lose control and eat too much of the food, and then they may feel guilty afterwards-no matter if the food is rarely available to us or available all the time (okay I think now I'm referring too much to myself, but I think many other people go through the same dilemma). Personally, this perception of food causes me to distance myself (or at least try to distance myself) from nutella, Pumpkin Spice Lattés, the TV screen if it's showing Ratatouille, and other delicious elements of life.But then again, not all food is horrible to eat a lot of, except when it's not as satisfying as the ones we like to eat a lot of (nutella, Pumpkin Spice Lattés...shall I go on?). So I guess it all depends on what foods you care to surround yourself with, and which ones you choose to avoid.For me, I choose to mostly surround myself with healthy foods, despite that they don't complete me as much as the foods I would occassionally approach (actually that's an understatement if I'm talking about Starbucks, but in this case I'm talking in general).
How about you?What do you think when you hear/see the word "food"?
If you were at a restaurant and were served a bowl of spaghetti, would you only think about how quickly you're going to eat it after waiting so long for the waiter to bring it, or about how nicely the noodles were laid out and how well the colors of the sauce and noodles go together?Personally, I might see it the second way, and maybe that's because I have an artistic perspective (from taking art classes, etc.), but I'll never know.